welcome to the hardest day you've ever lived.

someday it won't be.

Sick

i wonder how much time of someone's day is really given to really uprooting every single good thing that could be laid down.

i am listening with my entire being and i'm finding that i'm out of practice. i miss the point sometimes, please bear with me. the words won't make you hear what i have, you need your skin for this, your ears, your soul. you need to absorb it all the way that we can.

i was in love with your history. i was in love with your history. my past was in love with your's but i don't know where i stand now. the brink that i am teetering on is showing signs that if i take you with me, it will mean a swift plunge and certain death. but once i let go of this rope that holds us tight to one another in a swirling current, if i just loosen the grip of my bonds to anyone in particular, i will find exactly what i've been searching for. and whatever you see as beautiful or amazing or grand, none of it will effect what i see. rather, none of it will have to effect it. that effect is ugly and cruel.

maybe the nice things are the ones that i need the least. perhaps i wasn't built to simply enjoy, and a lot of scripture points to this. but that really means something a lot different here, i think.

"nothing about us is simple"
(the phrase "i don't want to lose you" is very real and obnoxiously useless.)

okay, i'm following. i just want to know where you're going with this.

full moon.

please, please, please try and hear your words. please try and live by what you believe.

you can do better.

..."are you hearing me, like i'm hearing you?"

"i'm a fountain of blood in the shape of a girl.
you're the bird on the brim, hypnotized by the whirl....
i'm a tree that grows hearts, one for each that you take
you're the intruder's hand, i'm the branch that you break."

i don't feel like crying today. i just want to smile without getting paid for it.


Originally written on 10/14/08

you're getting better at consolation.

i don't know exactly what it means, but it makes me happy.

On the End.

The world is not ending because of any force outside of ourselves. Does this mean we are dying? Does this mean that something has gone wrong? Perhaps it is our own bitter taste of mortality in our mouths that makes us feel so doomed. But we will not end in a sudden blink, and when our time comes, we will go without fear.

The time has come for the flame of our souls to be fed. By what, that is up to you.

thought you should know, fucker.

every song that i listen to sounds like the end credits to some good, slightly inspiring movie.

bittersweetness in every single step.

words aren't enough.

shit.

Perpetuum mobile

string instruments feel like long halls of amber light and large mahogany chests filled with mystery.

some things feel like childhood, others are wildly different from anything you will ever know.

some are just things you haven't gotten the chance to miss yet.